What began as a conversation with my best friend about the notion of relocating to new cities with boyfriends, turned into a larger dialogue about the nature of commitment itself: why is it so inherently difficult for some of us quarter-life gals to sustain a long-term relationship nowadays?
As twenty-somethings, we are more on the move than ever. Between college, studying abroad, graduate schools, and careers, it seems like none of us are in one place for more than a year or two at a time. And if we are lingering in one geographical location for too long, we all seem to be itching to try something different {ideally in a new place}.
We also often hold ourselves to the standards of our mothers, who got married at far younger ages than today’s average women do, and who appeared much more anchored to one place than we are. Despite these very apparent differences, we still wonder what’s wrong with us: why are we still single?
We come up with a lot of explanations for our lack of romantic stability, but it seems we don’t really take into account just how busy and limitless our lives seem to be these days. How can we maintain long-term relationships when our own physical location is constantly in flux? When it comes to our ever-evolving careers, apartments, and geographical locations – we can have it all! – but can we? It seems, sometimes, that our relationships are the ones to suffer.
Last week while chatting with my best friend, I toyed aloud with the idea of a big international move come the end of my current lease this summer. I even threw out the idea of including the guy I’m seeing. The minute I heard the words come out of my mouth, I paused as though I’d accidentally broken a cardinal rule and quickly corrected myself, “but I’d hate to think that committing to that plan would bind me to a relationship I might otherwise want to end.”
She glanced at me and posed the question, “but isn’t that what making a commitment is all about? Making an agreement and putting the effort in to keep it?”
Touché, sweet friend of mine, touché.
We’ve been told to be independent and to “never move for a guy” unless there’s a ring involved. But even a grade-A commitment-phobe like me can’t help but wonder whether love is worth rearranging our lives for in some cases. And if it is, how are we supposed to know? Obviously, it’s never a good idea to be in any sort of relationship in which we’re forced to sacrifice too many of the things that are important to us. But are there certain circumstances in which it’s OK, and even good, to take a risk and make a bold move {whether literally or figuratively} in the name of love? Aren’t relationships like gambling where you have to risk big in order to win big? And didn’t Wayne Gretsky say “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”?
For the perpetually untethered chick, like me, the notion of factoring a man into any major life decision feels ridiculous, if not intrinsically wrong. But in today’s day and age how are we expected to make any relationship succeed when we’re always on the move and in hot pursuit of our dreams? Perhaps it requires an equal balance of rational decision-making and some spontaneous faith in order to nurture romantic commitment in any sort of long-term way. If we don’t take risks and make “crazy” decisions, it seems as if that most of us in constant life transition would spend the majority of our twenties decidedly alone.
Maybe to consider a spontaneous move to a new country with a guy means my head is officially in the clouds, but it seems like sometimes we quarter-life gals might not get anywhere in love if we don’t play some high stakes.
~Liz Owen
