Christine Hassler is a life coach, author, and speaker.  Twenty-something women are her passion.  In talking with her I learned that above all else, Christine is someone who can eloquently articulate the muddle of emotions, struggles, and tribulations we Liminas women face to help us understand what we’re going through and how to deal with it.

Ashley:  So you specialize in helping 20-somethings—why that age group?

Christine: 20-something women are my passion.  I consider it the time in-between being parented and learning to parent yourself and there’s so much that nobody tells you.  One major thing nobody tells you is that your brain isn’t even fully developed—the emotional side of the brain is still dominant in your twenties and your brain development isn’t even complete until your thirties. During that time so many childhood issues come up, but it’s also the time when you’re struggling to answer big questions about your life.  What does it mean to be a woman? What’s right, what’s wrong?  And dating becomes impossible because the man you think you need at 25, is the not usually the man you want at 30, and so on.

Ashley:  I had no idea our brains were still so underdeveloped in our twenties.

Christine:  Yes, actually, one of my missions is to educate women about this.  It’s like, as girls we know about puberty, we know when it’s going to happen, and we know what to expect and in some ways that makes it easier.  I believe that if we knew what our twenties were really about, it would be easier to deal with everything.  It’s not about marriage or having a baby—it’s about personal exploration. I want to debunk this myth.

Ashley: Wow, I think that will really resonate with our readers.  A lot of women our age feel that pressure and don’t really understand what to do with it.

Christine:  Yeah, definitely.  That’s why it makes sense that you’ve created this magazine now—it’s great.  You’ve essentially given birth to this site in place of a child and that’s something that women don’t understand—it isn’t always about giving birth to an actual child.  It’s about finding out what you need and making it happen.

Ashley:  Yes, it’s funny you draw that comparison, because Lauren and I have actually referred to this site many times as our “baby.”  Let me ask you—we listened to your top 10 tips for 20-somethings.  They’re really helpful and we want to know how you developed this list?  Did you learn primarily from personal experience or also from observance?  How were you able to narrow it down to only 10 tips?

Christine: Well, I could probably easily give 30 tips, but I was going for most digestible.  I have drawn both from personal and other people’s lives.  I’ve been coaching 20-somethings since 2004 and my second book was heavy in research and interviewing.  I look at what most people struggle with, what are some tips that are universal but that women can digest and do something with.  Good daily reminders.

Ashley: So basically, you wanted to make sure that your tips were not only easily digestible, but also the most “do-able”?

Christine: Yes, both easily digestible and most do-able.  There’s one—Be present—that’s a simple thing in concept but difficult in practice, and it’s one of the biggest.  So many women report that they feel anxiety.

Ashley: Yes, I hear that a lot from women our age.  I know I feel a lot of anxiety.

Christine: Anxiety only exists if you think about the future—ONLY if you are in anticipation of something.  Think about it—you can only be anxious if you’re thinking about the future—it’s impossible to feel anxiety if you are in the present.  When I coach people I start every session with a “presentness exercise”—we have to be trained on how to do.  Anxiety always has a message.  All feelings are lessons. From it, you need to figure out what kind of limiting beliefs, judgments, or thoughts are behind them.  Anxiety and guilt are useless.  Real emotions {sadness, anger, hurt} have purpose—they have a deeper meaning and come from something.

Ashley: So help me to understand.  If sadness, anger, and hurt are emotions that have a deeper meaning and purpose, are you saying that anxiety doesn’t?  What is anxiety?   And what is it that you’re teaching women about it?

Christine: I am teaching people how to navigate these things.  Anxiety and guilt—they’re not feelings—they are states we throw ourselves into based on judgment.   If I said to you, demonstrate feeling guilty—how would you do that?  You can’t.

Ashley: Oh my gosh.  You’re right.

Christine:  See.  They aren’t real emotions.

Ashley:  That really helps to put it into perspective.  We’re running out of time, and I’m wondering about you—what has been the biggest challenge in your life so far? How have you grown as a person and what lessons have you learned that you could share with our readers?

Christine: All of my challenges have catapulted my work and have prepared me to teach what I teach and to heal people…ok, well not “heal” people, but empower people to heal themselves.

Ashley:  You’re a healer by proxy!

Christine: {chuckles} Exactly.  Having the courage to leave my job was a big one.  Having relationships {romantic relationships} fall apart and understanding that I had this incorrect notion that if something didn’t last forever, then it was a failure.  I learned that certain relationships have expiration dates and you learn something from each of them.

There were also standards I set on myself—I gave myself this checklist for life.  The challenge here was myself—no matter what I did it was never good enough for me.  Letting go and accepting my life as it is, even if it doesn’t look how it was supposed to, has been an important lesson.

Ashley: It’s so interesting that you say that.  Lauren and I were just talking about this idea that from the time we’re young we have had a clear idea about our lives.  I think I was specifically talking about this in reference to boyfriends and how you have this idea of what your husband will look like, and be like, and what he’ll do—then real life happens and we feel like nothing is living up to those expectations.

Christine: Have you read my books?  I think it would really help. {Both her books, ”20-Something, 20-Everything” and “Twenty Something Manifesto“, are excellent resources} Yes, we project how hard we are to ourselves on others.  It leaks onto them.  We’re always disappointed and on some level it’s because we’re always disappointed with ourselves.

Ashley: Wow, that really makes sense.  This transitions us into something I saw on your site that caught my eye.  Can you tell us about “Expectation Hangovers™”?

Christine: Yes!  Well, it’s a term I trademarked.  It’s when something unexpected happens that you didn’t want or something you expected didn’t turn out like you had planned. I named it Expectation Hangover because its symptoms are similar to a hangover—regret, lack of motivation, spinning {not the actual room spinning, but you spinning in confusion}, headache, stomachache, and other physical symptoms.

We torture ourselves with our expectations.  Of course, things happen in life and it’s normal to feel sad or some other emotion.  But there’s this other thing we do to ourselves with our expectations—we enter into a state of tunnel vision and it’s hard to accept what life’s trying to give us. The biggest issue, and the reason why these Expectation Hangovers last, is that we often get so attached to how we wanted things to go that it makes the cycle work.  If you’re grieving there’s a natural and normal process, but what we do is we prolong it when we think about it and it loops—we tell ourselves, I should have done something different, if only I had, etc.

So I teach people how to avoid Expectation Hangovers and how to deal when they come.  {chuckles} I call it treatment and prevention.

Ashley: So you promote coaching sessions, right, as a means of treatment and prevention?  Is that what we can tell our readers?

Christine: Well, yes, I do coaching, and I have books, book clubs, and I speak.  My site is full of resources, too.

Ashley: Yes, your site is great, and I think our readers could benefit from visiting it AND reading your books! We’re out of time, but I just want to thank you so much!  We really appreciate what you’re doing and you’re an inspiration to all Liminas women.

We feel that Christine has something to offer to all of us Liminas women, so we have great news…starting soon we will be featuring weekly updates from Christine.  Check back often for more useful advice, tips, and anecdotes!

~Ashley Taylor

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